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[sticky post] Why Not Put this Journal to Good Use?

EDIT: This is a sticky post. Newer updates are below this initial post.


This is my weight loss tracker:

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Yes, after trying a BAJILLION different diets and weight loss programs and whatnot, I'm just gonna keep track here. I plan on getting the gastric bypass surgery done later this year*, and that should reflect on this tracker as I update it. I may actually just turn this journal into a weight-loss/stress relief blog. Or, you know, a personal journal like it's supposed to be.

Anyway, I'll try to update this at least once a week with anything, even if it's just a "hello" post.

Here's to unlimited restarts!

please no comments on that unless they're positive, it's a decision I made with my primary care physician, as well as two other doctors and a personal trainer- it was a difficult decision to make, and for my health this is the best option.

Hey look, another update.

So weight-wise, I'm OFFICIALLY under 200lbs!  I'm currently at 197lbs!  And a size 14 pants!

Slowly, but surely getting there!

So that's the physical part... now onto the mental part.

I've been getting panic attacks lately... a lot.  And then the depression kicks in because I don't know why I'm not strong enough to deal with those panic attacks on my own.

I pray, and I ask God for strength to get through my days, and He gives me the signs that I needed- and the signs led me to go see a doctor about this.

So I've been seeing a therapist, and she's been helping me cope, and she's great! She's really down to earth, and doesn't talk down to me like a lot of other therapists have done in the past.

Well, since she doesn't prescribe medication, I went to see a psychiatrist. He prescribed me Zoloft and Klonopin, and I don't know what it is, but the Klonopin (I'm assuming, since Zoloft doesn't exactly kick in until a few weeks into taking it) has been giving me the worst side effects.

I wake up dizzy, I'm constantly tired, and when I asked if I could lower the dosage, they said I need to keep taking it because my body should adjust to it sooner or later, and just take a few days off of work...

The problem with that is that I CAN'T MISS WORK.  I'm only allowed ONE day for FMLA a month (for the surgery and appointments).  Apparently, the psychiatrist (aka the MD) said he didn't know what FMLA was, so I went to the therapist and she filled out the FMLA paperwork.  I turned it in, and now it's a matter of waiting to see if it gets approved.

So you guys, I'm asking for your prayers, well wishes, and whatever you do that this gets approved.  I can't afford to lose my job.



'Nother update

First and foremost:

Regarding the Bell's Palsy?  I HAVE SOME MOVEMENT IN MY CHEEK.

This is amazing. I mean, seriously amazing!  My smile is slowly coming back!! And really, as long as I can smile properly, I'll be happy.  On that note, still no movement in my eyebrow.  I'm still going to keep trying though.

Now, on to the weight loss:

For some reason, my tracker up there isn't tracking.  I've lost 39lbs so far, and although I feel like I should have lost more, I still think it's REALLY good!  This surgery is really helping, and I'm starting to be able to eat normal foods again.  It's weird, I know what I can and cannot handle now, so I'll order accordingly.  For example? RICE IS A BIG NO NO.  I made the mistake of taking a bite of Spanish Rice (and it was brown rice too!) last night (because my mom makes the BEST), but Lord help me, I was so sick and bloated.

See, carbs/bready/ricey thingies expand in your stomach.  That's why when you eat Chinese food with lots of rice, you're hungry again quicker than other meals.  It gives you that full feeling until it digests.  Well, make your stomach only able to handle about 3-4 ounces, and that rice/bread KICKS YOUR ASS.

Yeah, still testing the waters, trying to see what holds down and what doesn't, but for the most part?  So far so good.


I started at a size 22/24.  I took my size 18 jeans STRAIGHT out of the dryer?  They slipped right on.  I CAN FIT IN MY SIZE 18 DRYER JEANS.  HEEEEEEEE~ @.@

Hugs, Kisses, and Salt on your windows and doors,

So much for updates

So, a lot has happened since I last posted.

I'm not gonna share the emotional and personal details, but I will share the health-related details.

Among other things, I got diagnosed with Bell's Palsy, so the whole left side of my face hasn't worked in a couple of months (still doesn't btw).  However, I was able to get the gastric bypass surgery done.  I don't know if y'all keep up with my tracker on that sticky post up there, but as of today, I've lost 31lbs.  So far so good, but I think I was forcing myself a bit too early on, and I went and got myself sick.  So I wake up with this nauseated feeling every morning, and that's been happening for a few days now- I called the doctor, and they said to go back to a liquid diet until it passes... problem is, they said it could last upwards to two weeks. I'm out of work until the 22nd, so I suppose that's a good thing, so I can get back used to this diet.

I've been craving random things that I never craved before, and I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that I CAN'T have them anymore.  Like pizza and soda and things like that.  I mean REALLY, I don't exactly drink a lot of soda, or eat a lot of pizza (cheese = lactose intolerant = no me gusta).  Ice cream shakes, hell, even TACO BELL. Which is gross.  I seriously have to sit there and remind myself that I, in fact, DON'T LIKE some of those foods.

Other cravings are a little more expected.  I LOVE chips and salsa, and that's one I know I can't do at all.  Not even for a few years can I go back to chips and salsa.  Margaritas too.  Gotta love the tequila in a good homemade margarita.  Even WINE. Mmmmm moscato.  Another thing that I haven't tried, but I'm afraid to, due to the sugar content is Gatorade.  It's one of those things that when I feel like I do now (sick to my stomach), I would drink to get re-hydrated, because water just DOESN'T want to stay down.  Ice chips and sugar free popsicles have been my friends lately.

Anyway, my eye hurts (Bell's Palsy = eye won't close = ow dry), so I'm gonna stop there.  I might do another random update later, but I really needed to rant a bit about everything.

This is going to be worth it in the long run. I know it will. I just need to do the right thing, and let myself HEAL properly.

Woah, so... I totally haven't been updating this (or ANY of my LJ's for that matter), but here's a general, come talk to Sarah post. Since some of the subjects of last year are...well, no longer valid.


It's been a while since I updated that one too, but at least it was sooner than this one. xD

I love you guys!


A Journal Entry

 It's been a while, hasn't it?

Okay, so it's been a LONG while.

As most of you already know, I normally use my roselikeschips journal for both role play and real life.

But this journal is gathering dust, so I figured I'd write something.

...And hope that he reads it.

Today, Lina, Alicia and I were watching 500 Days of Summer.  I had never seen it before, so it was all new to me.

The main characters... two completely different view points on love, yet I can relate to both.

Maybe I'm just Tom, but trying to convince myself that I'm Summer.  Maybe I'm Summer, trying to convince myself that I have that aspect of Tom within me.

I want to believe in love, fate, that feeling you get when you just know.

But I know that doesn't exist.

So why was it, that at 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm driving home, and I have the sudden urge to just keep driving, leave everything and everyone that I love, that have supported me though my struggles and illness, and just drive to him?

I didn't, obviously.

But that urge was there, and it was very real.

Just quit my job, break my lease, leave my family and friends, everything I own... and drive to him, and take that risk, take that chance!

...maybe it's good that I'm pessimistic.

Because you know what stopped me?
The same thing that happened to Tom in that movie could be a very real thing that could happen to me.
I would give up everything, and ruin my life because I can see him with someone else, possibly married by now.
Why wouldn't he be?
He's a sexy young man with a college education and a well paying job.
I had a choice between living a life that I love without someone to love, or having someone to love without loving my life.
I KNOW I've made the right decision... didn't I?
I know I'm lonely romantically, but isn't that better?  No emotional trauma that comes with relationships.
Why do I still love you Robert? After a WHOLE YEAR...
I made the right decision.
Only because I know my friends and family will help me to forget the pain that nags at me at all times because everything reminds me of him.
I'm going to go to bed, I have work tomorrow... so I'll log off, lay down in bed, and dream like I've been dreaming... of what we could have been.

HEY LOOK! Another Update!

I'm gonna try and do vlog updates daily. TRY being the key word.

totally x-posted on my character journal roselikeschips .

My guilty pleasure?

...I love Hannah Montana.

I just finished watching "Hannah Montana - The Movie," and I loved it.

OH DEAR GOD I loved it.

To the point that at certain parts of the movie, I was talking out loud with it, saying things like: "Noo! Miley! Stop it!" or "Awww... Robbie Ray..."

DAMMIT. I love it.